The local community for my choice hobby is poor, my room has barely made positive changes since last I commented on how much of a mess it is, and I’m rapidly losing faith that I’m actually that good in the area I’ve been leaning towards professionally.
I’ve found myself sleeping in or lying in bed, and similarly in the shower, both with and without the will to progress beyond; I want to have shorter showers or get out of bed, yet I do not seem to hold the will to do so. I believe it’s to do with stress. There is so much happening right now, so many responsibilities, things to do, social stresses, due dates, things I want to do but don’t know how, things I want to do but don’t have the equipment, and so on. So much going on outside of my bed or from under running water, that the proposition of moving on and having to confront such things is obviously unappealing; the thought that nothing more can worry me here, in bed or under the shower.
I am not happy with this life, and I don’t honestly know if I possess the will to drastically change things for the better.
Standards of works, slight resolutions, and disappointing realities.
I just finished replacing a leather band for petersham ribbon in one of a friend’s Akubra trilbys, then restitched the grosgrain ribbon and bow around the outside. It’s done.
I sit back and look at my work to find a lack of consistency. The ribbon on the inside is possibly stitched too high, and regardless isn’t even straight and level all the way around, which is further frustratingly mocked by the mark from the prior band’s stitch line, showing how straight it should be. The ribbon and bow on the outside might be reattached better, although I can help but notice that it possibly appears to be slightly higher on one side. I can’t tell for sure whether I’m seeing things which aren’t there as some kind of subconscious paranoid thought that I’m destined to fail. “You’re your own worst critic” may ring true, but is this the standard I work at?
I’m not happy. I have been for a while, but things are dawning on me again, and life is becoming daunting.
Since my last depressing post on this blog, some things mentioned have been somewhat resolved. The hat that was required for April was completed, went well with the dress that it was made to compliment, and was even sold to a fashion judge and board member of the South Australian Jockey Club (SAJC). High praise, I suppose. I can’t help but feeling as though I just got lucky, and that later she’ll realise I’m some kind of fraud when she inspects the hat further to notice the issues that I noticed. A bit of an extreme, perhaps, but the feeling is there.
My dancing has improved, and I’ve been working on some new moves in my favourite style with a dear friend and favourable dance partner, so that much has been positive. Though living here I imagine is still limiting me, in many regards.
Recently I found myself watching some videos with notable tailors and costume designers; an interview with the two costume designers of a favourable period show, and a feature on a Brooklyn based tailor who makes all the suits for that same show. After about half an hour investment of listening to these people talk of what they do, I was inspired. Inspired to create. I want to be like these people, with the ability to successfully create such wild and beautiful things. Seven years for a tailoring course. That’s a long time. I’d just about be thirty years of age by the time I complete it, were I to begin immediately. I would regardlesss be happy to put myself towards that were it possible and well supported. However, I feel that circumstances restrict this. It may well be possible, however difficult. Maybe I could chat to a local tailor, see whether they’d be willing to take someone under their wing as some kind of assistant. Though with the little qualified experience I hold, I suppose that may be quite fruitless. To me, it all seems rather hopeless. So I sit here, considering what my life is. I want to create, but instead I sit before a popular social networking site, watching the feed blow on by. Ever scrolling. Oh, it’s a photo of what you’re wearing today; it’s where or what you’re eating lunch; it’s a amusing reference to popular culture. What is everyone doing? No. What am I doing? I could be crafting beautiful things, or learning how to, but instead I spend my weary time on wasteful nothings. I need a break, and I need to change.
I’ve an unclean room, unorganised and physically limiting wardrobe; unfinished projects, a specific hat that urgently needs to be made by April which I’m afraid to approach; a love for a dance in the extreme minority with little ways to further it, recent loss to make me wonder why I bother trying, a city that doesn’t care for what I do, a lack of direction; day-to-day responsibilities building up, walls closing in; feeling overwhelmed and alone, stress enveloping me.
New Year’s Resolutions
But to set goals for a single year is a foolish thing to do. So while these will be specific to the more immediate future, it won’t be a big deal if I’ve achieved minimum completion of these resolutions by 2015.
- Be more of a gentleman.
> I feel like I could improve in this area greatly. Open more doors or allow others through first, offer my seat when there are no others available, be less of a jerk (see below), take my hat off inside (with commonly accepted exceptions), more doffing of hats.
- Be less of a jerk.
> I tend to sport a sarcastic sense of humour, which often includes responding to people’s requests with “no, because I don’t like you”. While some people get it, other do not, and I’m sure there’s some things I say which are less easy to interpret as untrue. While I perhaps wish to not dispose of this entirely, perhaps I could attempt to tone it down and not jokingly be so rude, as it can often perpetuate negative friendships.
> Improving in dancing should be relatively inevitable. Though I’d like to work more on my social skills in this regards, like asking more people to dance who I wouldn’t normally dance with. Show some new people how to dance Twenties Partnered Charleston so that I have more of a community to dance that style with. I would also like to become more confident in my Lindy Hop, as I tend to be hesitant to knowingly accept a dance in this style (with exceptions of a few select people), and this mostly comes down to my own personal confidence with Lindy Hop.
- Make and preferably sell hats.
> I’ve been stocking up, it’s high time I pick up the remaining required tools and materials, and get down to creating.
- Create other new things.
> It’s not all hats here. Make some clothes. Use some of the patterns I have. Alter some clothes so that they fit better. Make some more boutonnieres.
- Get back into costuming more.
> I’ve got some projects I’m working on here and there, and it’s probably about time I get ‘em finished and wear something new and cool to a pop-culture convention or other costuming event.
- Further education.
> The Certificate III (I think) In Millinery at TAFE shall probably finish sometime this year, and regardless, it would be worth looking into another course to further expand my skills. Preferably something where I can create something physical.
> I want to go somewhere overseas soon. Wanting very much to go to Napier in New Zealand, for their Art Deco Festival in February. Didn’t really prepare last year, and now it’s getting too late for it to happen this year. So my sights shall be set on 2015. I’d also like to travel to the United States mostly for dancing, but that’s far less immediate.
- Try something new or different.
> I don’t know what, but I’m not just talkin’ about trying a new flavour of soda (though I should do that too). Maybe it’s high time I look into knitting, try circus classes to improve my interest in physical comedy and mime, or investigate dressing a little more foppish and attending a Lolita event.
- Breathe life back into my Tumblr.
> I’ve got 323 drafts (mostly posts which are pretty much tagged and ready to be posted, just a matter of when or what order), and 1,861 liked posts (mostly posts which I’d like to reblog at some stage). I tend to put more effort than I should into my posts and reblogs, so it’s somewhat of an effort to throw posts up here. Hopefully I can get the ball rolling again sometime, and get this thing churning out a colourful internet collage of my likes and interests soon. Watch this space, I’d s’pose?
And I guess that’s about it, though I may have missed something. Some of these should be easier and more straight forward than others, and are bound to happen, while others may take much more effort on my part. We shall see…
Hopelessness is I.
So close. Yet, so awfully far.
bergii asked: Incredibly Punctual.
Now if I didn’t know better, old sport, I’d think this was that newfangled ‘sarcasm’. Good thing I don’t know better…
Are you by chance mad, bro-chap?
bergii asked: DON'T L:ISTEN TO HER YOU"RE RUBBISH
That may well be true… but Jo, you’re drunk, go home.
Anonymous asked: Silly boy, you're awesome. Quite unique actually.
feinnabot asked: I like ya, Blakemus. You're good.- Jenn.
Bless, Jenn. You’re quite tops too.
Rambles of an Overwhelmed Blogger
So today I’ll be getting on a plane to Melbourne for a swing event this weekend. I’ve never traveled independently out of the state before, and I’ve yet to visit Melbourne. It’s all a very interesting and likely positive step in a swell and exciting direction, but it’s still quite alarming.
I’ll be gone for about five days, returning Tuesday afternoon. I’ve got Friday, Monday, and possibly Tuesday (prior to getting ready to leave) free, with Saturday and Sunday occupied by swing.
I’m hoping to at least spend some time with a performer friend of mine, who I’ve previously taken a private in physical comedy and mime. Other than that, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed as far as what to do. I’ve had friend suggest to me some stores and key locations worth checking out, but it’s all been a lot to take in at once. I suppose it’ll work out. Just visiting a city I’ve never been to before, and wanting to make the most of the few days I’m there. It’s all a little stressful. Though perhaps I worry too much.
As it happens, my queued posts ran out yesterday, for I couldn’t find myself inspired enough to organise more to add (which is a pity, as there are many waiting to be added). As such, I’ve decided that perhaps I shall take a temporary break from posting, at least until I get back from Melbourne (and then find myself in the mood to sort through some posts).
In the meantime, I’ve decided I’d also like to get some opinions. Your opinions. You see, I’m interested in how people perceive me, what they think, and how they would define or describe me. If you’ve noticed, there’s a lot of “me” in all this, it’s all quite me-centric (what’d you expect from my blog?).
It’s mostly come around of late as I’ve had a couple of people describe me as one thing (which I shall not identify, but know that it’s nothing particularly serious), while I would not describe myself as that particular thing and would perhaps prefer not to be identified as such. So I’m intrigued; it makes me wonder if I come across in ways that are unintended, either visually or otherwise.
So long story short (and if you’ve even read this far), send me your opinion of me, here!
I welcome either positive or negative (preferably constructive criticisms, of course). Just honest opinions, so I may better understand how I am seen by others.
I’d say it’s preferable to “ask anonymously” in this instance. Oh, and you can still follow this link and send opinions to me even if you don’t have a Tumblr account. I’m looking forward to reading your opinions and gaining a better consciousness of who I may be.